The Path to Healing Begins
believe that the path of relationship is not only a powerful path,
but can be a spiritual path as well. We began our series speaking
of and describing "The Visioned Relationship." Keeping
this in mind, our first articles have focused more on the individual
taking personal responsibility and making commitments and choices
to facilitate their own healing rather than depending on a partner
to provide the healing. These initial steps and focus on the individual
are important for creating a healthy Visioned Relationship.
In this installment and the next we will offer concrete actions
that you can take to help recognize and make life choices in support
of healing, balance, and wholeness-personally and in relationship.
This article will cover two of these actions: 1) making a soul
level commitment to your personal and spiritual growth, and 2)
healing your core error in belief.
would like to add that it is not necessary for you to do this
work alone for it to be effective. Doing the work in concert with
your beloved can be a profound and deeply meaningful experience;
we recommend it. The quality of the shared experience will depend
on your temperament and that of your beloved, and how willing
and able you are to open yourselves and support each other in
your growth process. Going through your personal process while
your beloved does the same, and being a good non-judgmental listener,
offers an incomparable opportunity for you to learn deep truths
about each other as you learn them about yourselves, with the
potential to develop trust, understanding, and deep compassion
beyond anything you may have shared previously.
It is our firm belief, based on personal experience and facilitating
with other couples, that both partners must commit to doing their
personal healing work and clarify their life purpose and intentions
before entering into the shared visioning that is the basis of
the Visioned Relationship. The work will not be complete, as it
is a life long work-in-process, but it must be well begun if the
vision is to reveal itself with the divine fullness of authenticity.
1: Making a soul level commitment to your personal and spiritual
life can be compared to a river, with the channels and tributaries
of relationship bringing us a multitude of experience, both joyful
and painful, that contributes to our growth. Often, we are not
able to recognize the ways in which our experiences move and shape
us until well after the experience has passed. Depending upon
our perspective on the nature of our growth experiences, we choose
the meaning that we give to them.
Change and growth is an endless cycle in all of our lives. It
is when we resist these cycles that we are most likely to experience
mental, physical or emotional pain and suffering. We all have
varying levels of tolerance for pain. However, when we have had
enough of pain and suffering we may finally surrender to the knowledge
that there is something greater than ourselves at work in the
Universe and that, even if we can not see it in the moment, there
is a blessing offered in all of our experiences. This is when
we can really make some progress. What a relief it is to be able
to give up trying to control everything that happens in our lives
and trying to make our experiences fit into our life script as
we have written it.
is the point at which we may choose, if we wish, to make a soul
level commitment to our personal and spiritual growth. The commitment
to personal and spiritual growth creates many changes in our life,
but perhaps none more significant than ceasing to struggle against
an irresistible flow and beginning to literally "go with
the flow." The resulting change in energy and possibility
that results is truly awesome. Soul level commitments are personal
commitments that are not made lightly. They require honesty and
perseverance and an understanding that once you declare that your
priority is to be your personal and spiritual growth-above all
else-you are letting go of your hedges, fall-back strategies,
and excuses for not living up to your commitment. These choices
are made at the cellular level and permeate your whole being,
touching all aspects of your life. The vibrational shift that
comes with this commitment provides fertile ground for powerful
transformation that will usher in changes; some of which may be
quite sudden and perhaps a bit frightening, but ultimately magnificent.
A little awareness can go a long way toward understanding that
what at first appears to be a state of great chaos is actually
the initial breaking down of old patterns necessary to allow space
for new opportunities to come in.
an example, we would like to share our own story with you. We
(Jay and Wendy) personally made a shared soul level commitment
when we made a joint declaration to the Universe in 1999 that
"all of our life choices, as manifest in thought, word, and
deed, will always and forevermore maintain, support, and enhance
our spiritual and personal growth, our freedom to choose, our
creative expression, our commitment to passion, truth, and living
our bliss, and the experience of inner harmony and peace."
three weeks our lives were in great turmoil, as the work that
had previously provided our support seemed to evaporate, almost
overnight, with no apparent reason. We knew, however, that these
events were not "accidental" but had come with the vibrational
shift ushered in with the declaration. What we hadn't realized
was how powerful these commitments could be, especially when focused
with double intent, and how rapidly the Universe would respond.
But there was no turning back, and in accepting responsibility
for the changes we manifested, our life path and purpose began
to be revealed. As we continued to explore ways to find our truth
and to create the life experience we desired, we realized that,
for us, the process would also become the path.
Subsequently, in 2000, we established The Anam Cara Foundation.
Through our foundation, we assist others to do what we have been
doing for several years: "to clarify identity, intention,
purpose, and action" in their lives. This path continues
to evolve today through our work with people of different backgrounds,
issues, and challenges.
personal experience, and many others we have had related to us
over the years, confirms the power that soul level commitments
Once you have made this commitment, the period that follows can
seem like riding a roller coaster out of control. But it doesn't
have to be that way. Simple awareness of Universal Law and a willingness
to open to the adventure and flow of life, trusting that there
is always a larger perspective that will eventually reveal its
blessing, can help to ease and illuminate your path with many
powerful insights and opportunities.
This is a wonderful time for you to experience the stillness of
the mind; to still the mental chatter that may have been your
constant companion, judging your every move, generally keeping
you on edge, mentally exhausted, and emotionally wrung out.
way you find to slow down the pace of your life is fine. This
may be yoga, writing, gentle exercise (preferably in nature),
meditation, painting, or anything you find to be totally relaxing.
This is part of your soul level commitment, exploring and connecting
with your inner self. The initial surrender and commitment is
the key to allowing space for redirection and newness, for the
soul's evolution. Attention to life experience, without judgment
and with compassion, will begin to bring about tremendous personal
and spiritual growth, all in the perfect and divine timing that
is yours and yours alone.
If you choose to make such a commitment we offer a few suggestions
drawn from our own experience and that of people with whom we
First among these is to do some serious
consideration of your most deeply held values. Make a list of
the values that you hold and then narrow the list of "core
values" to a manageable number of perhaps five or six.
This is always a challenge because when we start to make choices
about values and their priorities in our lives we struggle.
How can we possibly choose love and not compassion or integrity
and not service? The answer is that you don't, really. When
you choose one value as "core," simply know in your
heart that the values you did not choose are contained within
the ones you chose and you have not rejected them or implied
that you do not value them.
When you have clarified your core values,
compose a statement or declaration that expresses clearly and
powerfully how you want your life to be an expression of those
values and how those values will support your life. Make it
concise but complete.
When you have completed your declaration,
choose a quiet and peaceful location, sign it and date it, and
with your whole heart and soul speak your declaration out loud
and release it to the Universe, knowing that it is so. If you
enjoy ritual, you can create a small ritual around the experience
with candles, incense, flowers, and maybe witnesses if you desire,
but it is not necessary.
Keep a nicely printed copy of your declaration that you can
read again from time to time and notice how what you declared
has shown up in your life.
2: Heal your core error in belief
has been our experience that by the time we reach adolescence,
and certainly by young adulthood, we all have a "core belief"
that is based in error that drives much of our behavior and impacts
how we see ourselves and others in the world. The core false belief
underlies an entire belief system that dominates our personal
"story" of how the outer world works and our role in
it. Examples of some typical core beliefs are:
I am not safe in the world.
am not enough.
am unable to take care of myself.
is not safe to love.
one hears or sees me because I don't really matter.
deserve to be attacked.
heal the core false belief and release the errors in belief that
sustain it, it is necessary to explore your "story,"
which includes exploring all the ways you sabotage and block knowing
the truth of who you really are. Until the core false belief is
revealed, understood, and released, we continue to draw to us
people, situations, or jobs that allow us to continue our version
of the story. These dramas keep us playing hero or victim roles
that repeat themselves in the patterns of our lives. Eventually
we become emotionally exhausted or even physically ill from repeating
patterns that keep us feeling helpless, limited, or disempowered.
behavior patterns we exhibit that no longer serve us (by keeping
us limited) can be released through understanding the original
event that, when it occurred in our life, imprinted an error in
belief into our cellular memory. Once the core false belief is
understood, it can be cleared away, along with the related errors
in belief that resulted, thereby allowing a connection with our
true self, our Authentic Self.
Most people have an awareness of what the limiting patterns are
that keep showing up in their lives. These are always opportunities
for healing, but until we find a way to heal the energy that draws
them they continue to trouble us. However, it is not so easy to
make the connection between the "core false belief"
and the original event that triggered what we came to believe
about ourselves that, while untrue, we have embraced as truth.
To make this connection, it is often helpful to have an experienced
person to guide you through a meditative process.
often work with individuals, couples, and small groups in a healing
process we learned years ago and have since modified for various
applications. It is a powerful yet simple guided meditation that
stills the mind enough to dialogue with the "inner wisdom
self" or "higher self" and receive profound insights.
Our inner wisdom self is our connection to the divine, to our
soul. This inner presence knows everything that ever happened
to us and has available for us solutions to any problems our minds
may have conceived. Usually, the insights that come through are
profound and always life changing, because with the understanding
comes a clearing of old energy. It is not unusual for individuals
to burst into tears or simply exclaim in amazement over something
that, once illuminated, seemed so simple a connection. And yet
the influence it had wielded had been so powerfully woven into
the fabric of their everyday lives that it affected every part
of their experience.
If you prefer to work on this release
alone, you may try simply getting very quiet and creating a
dialogue with your higher self, asking questions and journaling
responses or meditating with a pad and pencil for insights.
Explore your beliefs about yourself. Be
honest; the Universe responds to what you really believe, not
what you say you believe.
Ask your higher self to reveal to you
times in your early life that you had experiences related to
false beliefs you have held about yourself and the world.
Also ask your higher self to help you
know and embrace the truth of who you are: divine, perfect,
and whole, and in so doing to release the error in belief that
no longer serves you.
If you find this difficult, do not hesitate
to ask for professional assistance. (We are always available
to assist in your healing process or to refer you to someone
else who can help.)
There is another part of this healing
process that is very important: This is accepting and embracing
the entire self, and recognizing what we call "the gold."
It is important to let go of the past. It is important to gain
the understanding for the release. But then you must release
it! You must be able to accept and embrace yourself completely,
including the parts you do not like. It is only from that place
of wholeness that you can move into your fullness and that includes
encourage everyone who embraces this healing process to recognize
the gifts that have been revealed to you: the "gold."
This includes gifts that come through the insights of the healing
process, but also the gifts that came through many years of coping
with the core false belief and transformative events in your life.
These gifts are unique to you and made you stronger and wiser.
You may begin to feel distress that much of your precious life
was wasted because of the core false belief and the ways in which
it impacted your life. We always emphasize that nothing is ever
wasted. The life experiences we have had made us the person we
are today and will serve as a strong foundation for our evolving
life path. These gifts may include compassion, sensitivity, generosity,
understanding, gentleness; or perhaps a capacity to listen, to
comfort, or to uplift someone else in their pain and struggle.
a life transforming event that seems to be a tragedy at the time
it happens is really an opportunity to find your true path and
lead you to making a significant impact on the world, whether
you are dealing with millions of people or only a select few who
for example, the great artist Frida Kahlo. She had always loved
painting and yet, until a serious bus accident laid her up in
a body cast for many long months, she did not seriously study
painting. Her convalescence provided a long period of time confined
in bed. This gave her the opportunity to paint and draw for many
hours and she was able to refine her skills and natural talents.
At the same time she realized how much she loved to paint and
dedicated herself to pursuing her passion more seriously. She
went on to have a huge impact on both art and politics.
similar experience caused a man named Julio to pursue his love
of singing and started him on a path that would result in his
becoming one of the world's best known performers-Julio Iglesias.
all have gifts we are meant to express. The events of our life
often bring them to light in the most unexpected ways. So pay
attention and be appreciative!
important part of the healing process and exploring and understanding
our "story" is to be grateful for the lessons that come
our way as we learn to love and accept ourselves. In this way
we recognize and honor our whole self and are able to come back
to a place of healing and balance that is our true center; our
Anam Cara offers workshops to help facilitate
the "action steps" listed here.
2005 Jay Whitham and Wendy Nethersole
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